allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you didnt know i had herpes?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
