I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
