i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize
