he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
