Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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