Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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