I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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