if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
