I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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