I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
