I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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