she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
