I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Your topless pictures make me question reality
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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