Only a mothe r could love this liver
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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