i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
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