just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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