I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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