i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
