Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
