So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
