Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just forgot I was standing up.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
