i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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