we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
