is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
