im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
i need some magic done to my vagina
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
