My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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