There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
