if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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