If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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