I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
