You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
