Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
