Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
