This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
