Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
