I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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