I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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