I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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