UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
