just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
