I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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