I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
