proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
