I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
