and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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