even my farts smell like vagina
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
