i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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