The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
