Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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