The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
