and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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